Tag: ACEs

ACEs and Divorce

Kerry Jamieson Fighting ACEs PBC, Latest News February 25, 2019December 4, 2019ACEs, advice on divorce, divorce, effects of ACEs, protect your child

Between 40 and 50 percent of US marriages end in divorce. Divorce may seem commonplace, even mundane, these days but its prevalence is exactly what makes it such a threat to the healthy mental and physical development of children. While divorce may have become more socially acceptable in recent decades (or even ‘normalized’) the experience for children is almost universally difficult. There is no doubt that the conflict and chronic stress involved in divorce is one of the leading causes of trauma in young children and a very significant ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience).

Even when both parents agree that it’s the best decision, divorce is a confusing, difficult process for adults, let alone children. Divorce introduces new stressors into a child’s life. Whether the separation occurs when they’re three or 13, children worry about what’s happening to their family. Often, children experience feelings of fear, uncertainty, anger, and disappointment. To a child, a divorce can feel like a violation of trust or a broken promise. Most children rely on their homes to be a place of security and safety. Breaking up that home shakes their world to its core. Little brains that are still forming cannot process information in the same way a more reasoning adult can. Children tend to internalize feelings of guilt or self-blame over their parents’ divorce that can affect them for the rest of their lives.

True, there are millions of successful adults who grew up as children of divorce. While ‘pro-marriage’ groups say all divorce has negative impact on children, other studies do seem to indicate that it is preferable for unhappy parents to separate and care individually for their children than for children to be raised in two-parent homes filled with resentment or even rage. A recent British study shows that 82% of children (aged 14 to 22) whose parents divorced preferred their parents to separate agreeably than to ‘stay for the kids’. Divorce becomes an even more urgent decision when domestic abuse or violence against one or both partners (or the children themselves) is occurring. But there are as many adult children of divorce who are still trying to deal with the emotions and experiences their parents divorce caused them. Some studies indicate that the death of a parent (one of the most significant ACE indicators) may be easier for some children to understand and manage than divorce. In a child’s mind, it is easier to think that a parent died rather than that they left by choice.

Why is divorce such a powerful ACE?

• It introduces intense feelings of uncertainty, often for the first time if it happens very early in a child’s life
• It can cause an environment of chronic stress from anger, bitterness, and fighting
• It may cause economic strain on one of the divorcing parents
• It may separate the child not only from one parent but that parent’s family members who may have been a loving and stable influence
• It may expose a child to a parent’s new partners, which can increase risk of physical or sexual abuse

Of course, resilience levels among children are different. Some children cope and adapt better to divorce than others. Even among siblings experiencing the same divorce environment, the reactions may vary dramatically.

What Are the Warning Signs?

Here are just some of the indicators that your child may be having difficulties coping with your divorce:
• Poor performance or declining grades in school due to inability to focus
• Behavioral problems like attention seeking, “acting out”
• Mood swings or prolonged sadness/depression
• Apathy or loss of interest in places or activities they once enjoyed
• Less interest in spending time with friends
• Unwillingness to cooperate with everyday activities/defiance
• Low self-esteem and withdrawal
• Regressing to younger behaviors in an attempt to return to babyhood, clinginess
• New or increased irrational fears

If you’re dealing with divorce, be aware that even very young children may struggle emotionally. Short-term sadness and anger are normal. If negative emotions and behaviors continue beyond a few months, experts suggest counseling. Organizations like the Center for Child Counseling can provide expert, age-appropriate therapy to help children during and after a divorce. If an ACE like divorce is not addressed adequately, children may be impacted long-term and have a higher likelihood of using drugs and getting involved in criminal behavior later in life.

Adults Recall the Childhood Trauma of Divorce

When adult children of divorce look back on their childhood experiences, many express that it was the stress and conflict that was created by the divorce and not the splitting of parents itself that was so difficult to overcome. Often, children are used as pawns or become weapons in the fight between the separating partners. Asking children to choose between parents is extremely traumatic and brings feelings of anxiety and guilt that can last a lifetime.

Most times, parents go into self-protective, offensive mode and “lawyer up” which, while advised for many reasons, can create an immediately hostile and adversarial environment into which the children are inevitably dragged. The numerous emotions adults feel during a divorce—grief, anger, disappointment, loss of control, fear, loss of status, antagonism, bitterness, sadness, etc.—may also be experienced by children in different ways and for different reasons.…and if adults find it difficult to identify and cope with the emotions being raised, how much harder must it be for a child’s growing brain to process?

Parents who prioritize their children’s needs during a divorce should be viewed as heroes who have managed to look beyond their own emotions and chosen not to put their children at risk for long-term repercussions associated with ACEs.

Minimizing the Impact of the Process

You don’t have to put your own interests/needs last in order to put their children’s interests first. There are different ways to get a divorce. Parents can try to choose a non-adversarial form of divorce, if possible. They can consider mediation or collaborative resolution, if the nature of the divorce allows for it. It’s cheaper and often less traumatic for everyone involved.

Of course, there are as many different kinds of divorce as there are marriages. Some divorces are divisive and going to court may be inevitable. Center for Child Counseling board member and partner at Ward Damon, Eddie Stephens views ACEs from a family court perspective. He sees the trauma in families going through divorce: “There is an incredible amount of dysfunction out there. It is on full display in family courtrooms across the nation. Most professionals are just dealing with symptoms (substance abuse, violence, reckless behaviors), but little is done to address the root cause. In more cases then not, these individuals have suffered through some kind of traumatic experience(s) as a youth. That is the problem that needs to be addressed… not just the symptoms.”

Stephens sees how childhood trauma is transmitted from one generation to the next.

“The goal should be to create a trauma-informed society that appreciates the impact ACEs can have on an individual throughout their lives. If we shifted resources and provided the needed therapy when these kids were young, we would be more likely to stop the generational cycle which would lead to a healthier society. If we don’t embrace that approach as a society, we will continue to spend money on the symptoms while further generations become entrapped in this horrible cycle of dysfunction.”

Try to Have a ‘Grown-Up Divorce’

Children mimic grown-ups’ behavior. They learn what maturity is by watching adults. Parents teach us lessons of sharing, listening, playing fair, and being honest and kind, yet so often these simple rules are broken during a divorce. For a little brain seeking to process these events, it’s all very confusing. Positive or negative world views are being formed at this stage of life and witnessing a mature versus an acrimonious divorce can skew a child’s views on the safety or danger of adult relationships for the rest of their lives.

Mature parents can minimize the impact of their divorce by focusing on some simple guidelines. They may sound like common sense but, in the heat of the moment, practicing these rules can be a challenge. However, it will benefit your child during your divorce and for the rest of their lives.

Communicate:
Wherever possible, communicate decisions about the divorce as a family. Ideally, if all parties are present, the child will understand what is happening and see that both parents still love them. Do not share intimate details of the causes of the divorce; share age-appropriate facts only. Avoid the “blame game” or “he said, she said” story-telling.

Prepare:
Tell your children ahead of time what will be happening and when. Nobody, especially a child, likes to be sidelined by dramatic, unexpected events. Tell your children, as early as possible, about major life events like moving houses, changing schools, etc.

Acknowledge Emotions:
Don’t try to pretend that this decision is the best choice and “better for everybody”. Your child may not feel that way. Empathize with their sadness and fear and allow them to talk about their emotions. Always allow them to talk positively about the other parent.

Prevent Stress:
Try not to expose your child to adult concerns. Ensure they don’t overhear cruel arguments or intimate issues. You need to walk a fine line between keeping them informed and protecting them from age-inappropriate facts, no matter how true.

Provide Structure:
Some of the biggest changes for a child going through a divorce is the loss of significant time with one parent or the other and the constant moving between new living spaces. If you can agree on universal rules that are obeyed at both homes, it will reduce stress for your child. Try to maintain routines and not change/cancel plans at the last minute. This will only add to your child’s anxiety and insecurity.

Keep Loving Buffers in Their Lives:
Your child should never have to choose one parent over the other and that goes for extended family members, too. Your child may be very close to your ex’s siblings (their aunts, uncles, and cousins) and your ex’s parents (their grandparents). These positive influences in their lives can help buffer against the stress of the divorce and minimize the effects of ACEs. Do your best to nurture those relationships and let your child enjoy the stability of still having these good, kind people in their lives.

Use Kind Words:
In the case of biological children you have in common, it helps to remember that your amazing, precious children are 50% your ex. Every bad thing you say about him or her, you’re saying about the children you share, too.

Don’t Force Them to Hide Things From You:
Your children are likely to feel torn or periodically disloyal during and after the divorce. Allow them to share positive thoughts or feelings about your ex. They shouldn’t feel that they have to hide funny stories or happy thoughts about your ex from you. You can find ways to reinforce these in a way that’s both honest and supportive of their feelings:
“I always loved how smart your mom is.”
“You dad always tells the best jokes.”

Love Them Extra:
It goes without saying that during this difficult time you should support your child even more than usual. Smother them with love and encouragement. In the case of an especially hard divorce, you might try to remind yourself that you love your child more than you hate your ex.

There is no reason your divorce should be a childhood trauma that scars your children for life. So many parents manage to get it right and provide two secure, stable and happy homes for their children after their divorce. The ultimate goal is not to “win your divorce” but for your children to have a lifelong positive relationship with both their parents.

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ACEs and Minorities

Kerry Jamieson Fighting ACEs PBC, Latest News December 13, 2018December 4, 2019ACEs, Center for Child Counseling, minorities and ACEs, toxic stress

ACEs can affect anybody, anywhere. Children experiencing adverse situations, and adults who experienced adversity when they were children, come from all walks of life. ACEs are not confined to any particular race, religion, socio-economic background, or nationality. Any child can experience the sustained toxic stress associated with untreated trauma and suffer negative mental and physical health effects.

The original study on Adverse Childhood Experiences conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and insurance giant Kaiser Permanente in the mid-1990s unearthed this fact early in their research. Their study was conducted among 17,000 middle-class Americans living in Southern California. Even though these original participants were not necessarily representative of the average American, approximately half of them had still experienced at least one ACE.

Subsequent US-based ACE studies, including the largest study conducted to date between 2011 and 2014, have consistently shown the same general prevalence of ACEs among American children. This far larger sample group, and the data accumulated from many studies, highlighted some startling differences in who is most likely to suffer from ACEs. Children from minority backgrounds—whether based on race, socio-economic standing, or sexual orientation—were at distinctly higher risk of ACEs and their devastating life-long effects than middle-class white children.

At-Risk Minority Groups

Children of different races and ethnicities across the country do not experience the same exposure to ACEs. In the United States, 61% of black children and 51% of Hispanic children have experienced at least one ACE, compared to 40% of white children. In every part of the country, the lowest rate of ACEs was among Asian children. In most areas, the population most at risk was black children.

Geographic regions also showed different results. Compared to the national average of 1 in 10 children experiencing and ACE score of 3 or more, in 5 states—Arizona, Arkansas, Montana, New Mexico, and Ohio—1 in 7 children had experienced the same.

In Florida, 49% of children between birth and 17 reported no ACEs. 26% reported 1 ACE, 14% reported 2 ACEs and 10% reported 3 or more ACEs. This is generally in line with national averages.

The high occurrence of ACEs among minorities can likely be attributed to the uneven provision of services and opportunities in minority neighborhoods. This inequity is caused by social determinants of health. The World Health Organization describes the social determinants of health as “the conditions in which people are born, grow, live, work, and age. These circumstances are shaped by the distribution of money, power, and resources.” These result in the unfair but avoidable differences in health status seen between different neighborhoods, zip codes, and even states. The social determinants of health are responsible for most health and other social disparities.

ACEs Clusters

ACEs are the result of not only situations children face within their own homes or families but the general circumstances in which they live. Because the impact of ACEs is cumulative, we see high rates in areas where several detrimental situations are occurring simultaneously. For example, a neighborhood where there is a high rate of unemployment, few educational opportunities, a strong gang presence, and high rates of domestic violence is likely to produce children who are suffering from clusters of ACEs. Because of this, ACE studies now look at the cumulative effects of ACEs rather than the individual effects of any one specific ACE.

ACEs caused by the community environments where a child is raised go hand-in-hand with the ACEs occurring in individual homes and within families.

So, ACEs aren’t a racial issue; they’re a societal one. People with low incomes and limited education are also more likely to experience ACEs, as are people who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or are questioning their gender or sexuality (the LGBTQ community). According to numerous research papers, including one published by the US National Library of medicine/National Institutes of Health, this group has a dramatically higher chance of experiencing childhood trauma, probably the result of lack of understanding among family members, the taboo of discussing these issues in some communities, and the stigma often imposed by society at large.

Helping children in these particular minority groups involves cultural sensitivity and the kind of community education that takes a long time to penetrate established ways of thinking. For many children confronting overwhelming adversity and inequity, buffering relationships are needed. It is essential to address the rejection and hardships they are statistically likely to experience in their lives - with a mental health professional or caring mentor or teacher who understands the impact of these experiences. Success among marginalized groups involves developing strong internal fortitude in children and encouraging them to eventually find accepting, supportive friends, if these relationships are not available at home or school.

It’s clear that minorities, children living in economically challenged neighborhoods, and members of traditionally marginalized groups are in particular need of support in the fight against ACEs.

Solutions

Now that we know that certain groups are more likely to experience ACEs, what can we do? As individuals and communities, we can channel our efforts. A high ACE score does not predestine a child for poor life outcomes, but it does identify that child as vulnerable. Since the fight against ACEs has two primary weapons, namely 1.) building resilience and 2) promoting healthy relationships (the internal and external supports, if you like), we can provide two practical forms of assistance to targeted groups.

Building Internal Coping Skills

To build resilience in children, they need to be taught how to self-regulate and cope. Anybody can help a child to develop these vital skills. Simple techniques like providing encouragement, supporting special interests, and even just taking notice of a child is, in some small way, building self-esteem and promoting independence and strength. Children will copy the actions of adults, especially those they admire. Showing children how to calmly and fairly negotiate, compromise, demonstrate empathy, and look at all sides of an issue can help them establish a new way of thinking. Remember that children mimic both positive and negative behaviors, so it’s important to carefully consider the messages you’re sending with your behaviors and choices.

Providing External Support Systems

Of course, the most at-risk children may need professional assistance to build effective coping skills and resilience. Offering age-appropriate early intervention and mental health care in childcare centers and elementary schools (especially in at-risk neighborhoods) is the obvious place to start. Center for Child Counseling, with support from local funders including Quantum Foundation, has developed a comprehensive model for childcare centers and schools, including trauma-informed education for all caregivers, classroom-based mindfulness activities, and direct services for children identified as needing assistance. The model focuses on transforming the school environment, which in the long-term, impacts all students.

Another approach is to provide supplemental support systems in at-risk neighborhoods. Many highly-respected nonprofits do just this by creating places where children can meet, play, and be in contact with positive, caring role models and mentors. Local organizations like Urban Youth Impact, the YMCA, Compass, and Big Brothers Big Sisters are all examples of nonprofits in Palm Beach County focused on creating positive relationships that may be absent from the home.

And, as always, every one of us can play a role in the fight against ACEs by advocating for children, encouraging every child we encounter in our lives, and being on the alert for children who may need the support and help of a caring, ACEs-aware adult.

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ACEs: How to Be a Buffer for a Child

Kerry Jamieson Fighting ACEs PBC, Latest News November 9, 2018December 4, 2019ACEs, be a buffer, buffers, help, practical tips, toxic stress

Research shows that just one positive adult can dramatically improve the outlook for a child suffering from Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). Learn how your simple actions can provide a buffer against toxic stress and change the course of a child's life.

Remember when you were a child. Think back. Remind yourself how vulnerable you were. The world was big; you were little. Was there ever a time when someone protected you? For many of us, it was an older sibling, maybe a big brother, who stepped in, literally, and came between us and a bully or danger. Do you remember how safe that made you feel? How exhilarating it was, in your moment of need, to know that you could rely on help to arrive. When you hurt yourself or had your feelings hurt, you probably ran to a parent who gave you a caring hug and soothed you. Without consciously knowing it, those of us with these sorts of memories were running to a buffer, looking for the concern and protection every single child needs and deserves…but which not every child gets.

For millions of children worldwide, Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) make growing up a challenge at best and a chaotic nightmare at worst. The brain of a child growing up in a home with attentive parents will create a world view where adults as safe, predictable, and a source of love and sustenance. But the brain of a child living in a home plagued by domestic violence or neglect will create a world view where adults are unreliable and a source of fear and pain. Children carry these ideas with them and they color all future relationships. Depending on their experiences and outlook, children can grow to become nurturing, invested adults or mistrustful, suspicious and withholding.

During this blog series, we’ve learned about ACEs, their tragic lifelong consequences for individuals and communities, and how we must urgently address this greatest of all public health crises. Rather than being overwhelmed by the statistics though, let’s focus on hope because healing is possible.

As a society, we now know more about ACEs than ever before. That knowledge empowers us. On a system level in Palm Beach County, we’ve mobilized the community to fight ACEs, but the truly encouraging news is that you don’t need to be an expert to help turn a child’s life around. Of course, severely traumatized children might need the professional help and compassion provided by skilled therapists like those at the Center for Child Counseling, but for many of the others the answer is relatively straight-forward. The answer is you.

As someone who loves and cares for a child, or who interacts with children often, it is vital to be ACEs educated and trauma informed. Simply by reading this educational blog series, you’ve demonstrated an interest in the subject. You’re already equipped to play your small but vital part in the fight.

Adjust Your Approach
Being trauma-informed really means adjusting our thinking and the way we respond and react to a child’s behavior. Instead of asking: “What’s wrong with you?” the focus should be: “What happened to you?” This changes our attitude to consider what the child has experienced rather than the resulting behaviors which may be frustrating. Follow-up questions will help get to the cause of the problem, questions like: “When did this happen?”, “How long has it been going on?” and “Who has been there to help you since this happened?” This way of approaching children helps to avoid re-traumatizing already traumatized people. It creates a safe, non-judgmental place where children feel secure enough to share their experiences and ask for help without fear of punishment or retribution.

Be a Buffer
Supportive, loving caregivers can buffer the effects of toxic environmental stress. There are many ways you can support a child with ACEs. Studies show that a positive, nurturing relationship with even one engaged adult can help a child cope with adversity. Consider how you interact with children—your own and other people’s—and focus on being loving, kind, and genuinely interested in them.

Easy Ways to be a Buffer
In the bestselling novel “The Help” by Kathryn Stockett, a devoted nanny repeatedly tells the young child in her care: “You are kind. You are smart. You are important.” Let that be your mantra when helping a child who has experienced ACEs. Whether you’re a teacher, neighbor, coach, community volunteer, or friend of the family, being a buffer means employing several different approaches aimed at:
• Reducing stress
• Building positive relationship
• Strengthening life skills

Here are some practical, real-world ways you can combat the toxic stress caused by ACEs.

Celebrate:
When we celebrate a child’s achievements and challenges, both big and small, and affirm who they are as individuals, we support the development of their self-identity and remind them of their competence, importance, and lovability. When we acknowledge their birthdays, graduations, or everyday accomplishments like completing their homework, making a new friend, or doing chores, we help children build positive self-esteem. It may be something as simple as a clap, a smile, or a ‘thumbs up’. These simple gestures are expressions of support that can build self-confidence and help a child to thrive.

Comfort = Safety:
Children who have experienced trauma or toxic stress need comfort. Often, they need help to manage their emotions and to calm themselves down. Practicing relaxation, patience, and emotional regulation may help them connect with their feelings. Creating a safe environment is one of the most valuable components in re-establishing a sense of security and stability for a child. Whether the issue seems big or small, offer reassurance and always reinforce your commitment to be there for them. Sometimes it can be difficult to stay calm and supportive when a child exhibits the behaviors associated with toxic stress, but a measured response tells them that you are solid and reliable.

Help Children Collaborate:
Science shows that children who have been exposed to toxic stress may struggle to appreciate others’ perspectives. They may lack a sense of belonging. They may not have the skills or the know-how to reach out. And they may need help controlling their emotions, working through their problems, and gaining independence. Every day there are opportunities to collaborate or work with children towards common goals. With simple examples, you can teach problem solving and basic negotiating techniques to deal with conflict. When children learn to collaborate fairly, they feel like part of a team rather than isolated.

Grow Optimism:
We’ve already learned that a young child’s growing brain has plasticity – it’s still forming neural pathways and those pathways can be altered for the better. Brain science shows that we can actually train our brains to be more optimistic and hopeful about the future by practicing positive self-talk. You can reinforce this kind of positive brain growth in the children you know.

Don’t Just Hear…Listen:
It may sound easy, but listening is a skill we all need to practice. For all children, especially those who have experienced traumatic stress and violence, a patient and receptive adult who listens can help them feel safe and valued. Active listening means paying careful attention to what is being said, rather than simply hearing it. Listening is the foundation of learning and understanding what a child is trying to communicate. It shows care and concern. Listening to a child and teaching them how to listen helps them communicate and see situations from other people’s perspective – a key to empathy. Whether children are sharing happiness, sadness, anger, or fear, having someone truly listen to them matters.

Hold on to Healthy Relationships:
Often, when parents separate or divorce, it becomes a challenge to help kids maintain healthy contact with grandparents, supportive adults, and extended family members. One key to reducing stress is making the effort to maintain contact with these positive influences. It’s never a bad idea to let your children interact with people who truly love them…sometimes it means setting aside personal feelings in the best interest of the child.

Inspire:
To inspire someone means to lift them up with your words. Children need constant encouragement to recognize and reach their full potential. They need help identifying dreams and working towards them. Children who have witnessed violence and experienced traumatic stress can become negative, often have a low sense of self-worth, expect to be unsuccessful, and fail to foresee a positive future. But caring adults can help children reverse these negative responses. You can help inspire a child by identifying their strengths and natural talents and by connecting them to programs that help develop self-confidence.

Those who spend more time with children, like teachers, caregivers and, of course, parents have a greater opportunity to provide the tools that can really have a positive impact. Increasingly, schools, sports clubs and community events aimed at children are including elements of mindfulness training, self-care, and self-regulation activities in their work. But every one of us, even those of us who only have time to give a child a quick high-five, can consider it a privilege that we are contributing to that child’s resilience, health, and wellbeing.

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